Chronic Illness & Your Significant Other

This is something I never thought I would write. Unpacking some of the darkest years of my life is a hard thing to do when you have gotten past it, but that is a reason I feel compelled to write this all down for you now. I’ve thought about it so many times because this seems to be one of the biggest, and most personal questions, I get from clients…”How am I going to do this when I live with my significant other?” This was something I was concerned about too when I first realized changing my lifestyle is what would help me get better….but I didn’t expect it to take years and for this new lifestyle to become something permanent. 

It all started with the decision for my boyfriend and I to try the Paleo diet for a month in October of 2015. Justin had seen me go to doctor after doctor trying to find answers for my fatigue, bloating, and painful digestive problems. We had only been living together for a few months when symptoms began and by the time we reached a diagnosis, he was willing to help in any way that he could. We truly thought it would be a temporary thing until I saw improvement, but after 3 weeks on the paleo diet….I felt like myself for the first time in MONTHS and I didn’t want to give that up. 

Our story:

We started dating in 2012 when I was 21 and he was 22. He was a senior when I was a junior in high school and we had mutual friends, but we didn’t really know each other personally. His little brother was actually in show choir with me and his parents came to see our shows, but Justin and I had never had a conversation until we ran into each other at our friends wedding while I was home for summer break. He was this cool, long-haired rocker in high school and I was a dorky, naive choir girl back then and by the time we reconnected, we were totally different people and had an instantaneous connection. He asked me out on a date the same night at a friends after party (where I grabbed a bottle of Crown Royal out of his hand to take a swig of it, played beer pong, and literally stayed out until the sun came up). He picked me up the next evening for what some people might think is a made up story about what we did on our first date. He took me to get alcoholic milkshakes, drove me to Oklahoma to go to my first casino, and then taught me how to drive his manual car in our high school’s parking lot…After that, we basically saw each other every day that summer going to concerts, bars with friends, parties, Waffle House, lunch dates, movies, etc. It was a whirlwind and I had this feeling in my stomach that even though I knew it would end when I went back to college, I was so happy to have met and dated a man that actually cared for me, respected me, and made me feel more alive than I ever had before. He challenged me and that was something I had never experienced in the dating world.

Three weeks into us dating, Justin wanted to teach me how to longboard and we were playing around on the sidewalk outside for a while before I got cocky and went down a hill. I wasn’t wearing a helmet, nor did I know how to properly stop…I fell and hit the back of my head on the pavement getting knocked out for a split second before I sat up, disoriented, and realized I was bleeding out of my left ear. Justin got me to the car and called my parents as he rushed me to the hospital. I had fractured my skull and had a concussion. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and bed rest for 6 weeks during recovery. Although it sounds really traumatic, it brought us closer together and I still think it’s one of the many reasons we are still together to this day. I expected us to break-up at the end of the summer, but instead…Justin called me every day after I left and we just never stopped talking. We finally made it official as boyfriend/girlfriend when I was home for Christmas that year and we moved in together 8 months after I graduated the following year.

The first year of us living together was filled with so many memories: traveling, adopting a dog, trying new restaurants, learning to cook together, having friends over for parties, going to breweries, concerts, and more. We were young and in love, it really couldn’t get much better than that. Within months of us living in our new place, health issues slowly began. I dealt with Mono that first year that kept me sick for almost 10 days and after that…nothing really went back to normal. I started noticing fatigue in that first year of having a full-time job that my doctor claimed might just be me adjusting to adulthood. After that, the digestive pain began. I remember there was one week where I did haven’t a bowel movement for 4 days and that’s when we both realized something very real was going on. Justin bought me a squatty potty as a gift and that was probably the first real “health related” moment between us that made me realize he was going to be there for me. Little did we know that it was the mold in our townhome that was the root cause of it all, but that’s another story.

Throughout the year of doctors, testing, and lack of diagnosis, it became difficult for Justin to understand what I was dealing with. Every test I got came back negative, as far as the doctors were concerned I had a clean bill of health. There was a moment where both of us thought this all might be in my head. I didn’t blame him, I really thought I was crazy at the time as well. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s that things finally became real. Once we knew this was a real thing and I began to learn about how to get better, it was easier for us as a couple to really pinpoint what we needed to do. Up until then, it was very difficult as a partner for him to hear I was struggling without any real answers. 

This trip to New York in 2017, Justin and my brother got up early to wait in the cold to get tickets for me to see Anastasia. I would have gone with them, but I was so tired from only getting 5 hours of sleep that my body was in pain and I had to stay in bed.

The paleo diet

We decided to try out a fully paleo diet for a month after I was diagnosed to see if that would help. Justin was on-board and we did the whole thing together. It was such an amazing gesture at the time because I was dealing with brain fog and fatigue and it was hard for me to do all the cooking and shopping. After 3 weeks, I had my life back. I felt cured. I WAS SO EXCITED and I thought that was it. We started adding foods slowly back in, but symptoms quickly came back with a vengeance. I was devastated. I decided I would continue on with paleo, but told Justin he could go back to eating whatever he wanted as I didn’t expect him to have to restrict himself just because of me. I knew that would hurt our relationship. It definitely takes will-power to sit and eat your healthy meal next to someone eating pizza, but these are the sacrifices we must make to have a healthy relationship with a partner while living a healing lifestyle.

It took me another year of trial-and-error acting as my own doctor before I found my first holistic practitioner that could actually help me. Throughout that time, I dealt with worsening symptoms, alcohol-intolerance, bloating, and lack of any sex drive. I was so tired all the time and became somewhat depressed. This was a very hard time for us because all Justin wanted to do was help, but we both felt totally helpless. As a partner, it’s so difficult to see your significant other struggling without being able to do anything! I lost interest in sex, going out with friends, staying up late, and would fall asleep most nights at 9 pm in the middle of watching our tv shows. I felt like I could barely take care of myself, let alone be there for my boyfriend. 

There are chapters of relationships when one partner has more of the focus, and those first few years of us living together….the focus was entirely on me. Whether it be stress from a job, a health issue, or wanting to go back to school, the incredible thing about having a partner is being able to pick up the slack when one person needs to be supported. You have a teammate. Throughout this time, Justin barely had a teammate and I needed him 24/7. He was going through multiple job changes and I could barely be there mentally for him because I felt like I had to focus on myself 100% in order to get better. This was our reality and it’s definitely taken a few years to get back to things being 50/50. I don’t have any real advice amidst this chapter besides to make sure your partner knows how much you still want them physically, even if your mind/body is telling you that you don’t. We all go through periods of time where we physically might not be able to have sex due to pain or recovery and we all have to find ways to walk through that in one piece. The most important thing you can do for each other is have open communication and be honest about your needs and desires to make sure there isn’t anything being suppressed over time. I made sure to always be there for him however I could, even if it meant it was all about him. For me, that was okay because most of the time…it really was all about me. 

Luckily, the doctor I began to see that year helped me find more answers and began to peel back the layers of illness I was dealing with to reveal the real issues. Even though this took the guessing game out of it, this gave me new protocols I had to strictly follow in order to see progress. I no longer drank alcohol and had to remain on a diet that only allowed me to go out to a short list of restaurants. Yet another 2 big things I had to change about our life as a couple. Would we ever be able to drink together again? Would I ever be able to travel to places without paleo food options? I began to feel like a burden and like I was forcing Justin to live this life he didn’t ask for.

I was underweight and fatigued all the time in 2017. On what should have been a really fun day taking pictures with pumpkins, I remember feeling exhausted walking around the park.

Transitioning to a permanent sober/paleo life

I’m not going to lie, the first year or so of me realizing that this was permanent was a hard time for us. There comes moments in every relationship where you realize you might be taking separate paths or deciding to walk the same path moving forward. There were a lot of serious talks and emotional moments discussing how we wanted to handle things, but the way they always ended were us realizing we couldn’t live without each other and that we were going to adjust to make it work. Even though my health was on my mind 100% of the time and was typically all I could think about, I chose to push those thoughts aside to be there for him….to be present in our relationship, and to meet him half way. This wasn’t easy for me, but he could see how hard I was working to get better and that’s all he needed to see to be supportive of the path I was on, even if it sometimes felt like the future of our relationship was on pause.

Getting married has always been on our radar, but there were concerns I wanted to resolve before thinking about tying the knot! I didn’t want to have to worry about possibly being bloated, having brain fog, or being fatigued on the day of our wedding. I wanted to be able to pop a bottle of champagne and dance with my friends without feel nausea or pain. I wanted to feel healthy and not have symptoms be the first thought I have the morning of our wedding. These were things I wasn’t sure I was ever going to achieve and it was really difficult for us to progress our relationship any further until I saw real improvement.

Gifts and surprises turned into a full paleo spread in 2018. Flowers, Siete, Dang coconut chips, and chocolate truffles from Brewed + Pressed.

Friend outtings to gluten free expos actually became the norm. Support from friends and family is so important. This was such a fun day for me.

That’s why DNRS has been such a huge game-changer for me because after years of discovering the root cause, getting out of a moldy living environment, and healing…I should have been better. It wasn’t until I focused on rewiring my brain out of the chronic negative thought processes I’ve had for years that I was finally able to find freedom in my own mind. After almost 5 years of stress and emotional trauma I experienced, DNRS helped me see that I am not my illness and helped me get out of that guilt I felt for so long. It took away any and all fear I had of food, stress, travel, alcohol, and all the things that negatively affected me for sooo many years. I had it in the back of my mind for so long that I had to get back to the old version of me for Justin to be happy with our relationship….but that’s not reality. We are 30 and 29 now, things are different and I will never be the girl that chugged Crown Royal from the bottle and stayed up all night ever again. A lot of our bigger conversations we have had in the past year or so have been about how Justin likes the way we live our lives now. Yeah, it was a transition for a while but he enjoys the healthy desserts I have around the house, the amazing paleo-friendly restaurants we get to eat at (as long as they had good bourbon), and he is proud of the person that I have become through this journey. We are stronger because of what we have been through and love each other in a whole new way.

Justin was there for me every time I felt frustrated with lack of progress, got sick from a detox in the middle of the night, or stood by my side to defend why I didn’t drink alcohol or was fasting for a period of time. As long as I educated him and he could be an advocate for my health along the way, he could see how badly I wanted to get healthy. He made the decision to put me first for years and that’s something I never could have imagined asking for as I have always been a care-giver type. He helped me with the finances for all the doctors, paid extra for our paleo groceries, and even eats a mostly paleo diet at home now. Him being able to see progress in my symptoms after working with doctors and changing my diet was all he needed to see in order to feel confident about what we were doing. My favorite moments are when I catch him talking with someone about something like Candida or leaky gut and I think….if the 18-year-old long haired guitar player in a rock band could hear the conversation he’s having right now…It just makes me so proud.

Loving someone is a decision. You wake up every day and choose the person you want to spend your life with. This life was never something I asked for, but these are the cards I was dealt and luckily, we decided to walk this path together and be patient with progress. The stress of an unhealthy relationship can hinder your recovery which is why I urge you to choose wisely when it comes to a partner throughout your transition to a healing lifestyle. There are some people who just don’t support this path or understand it, but the biggest advice I can give is to FIND THE RIGHT DOCTOR and force your partner to come with you to appointments to see how hard you are fighting through this and LEARN. Until then, it can be hard to see eye-to-eye on a path of natural healing. In order to get through this, you don’t need any outside stress weighing you down and unfortunately, that can sometimes be a partner. I’m not saying there won’t be bumps in the road, but at the end of the day…you need to make sure you have more positive moments with your partner than you do negative….Otherwise it might not be worth it.

2019 brought health, travel, and normalcy. This was 6 months after we moved out of mold and I began to get my life back.

Justin gave me a reason to wake up in the morning on the hard days. I wanted to be the best version of myself for him because that’s what he deserved and that gave me a reason to keep fighting. He was the light at the end of the tunnel and a big reason I still have never given up on finding maintenance in my chronic illness. I’m lucky to finally say that I no longer wake up and think about my symptoms first thing in the morning, but stretch in bed and think about how lucky I am to have him still by my side.